Saturday, March 08, 2008

Noverim Me

Hello, long lost friends - those of you who might still be around. I know that following my story off-line has been a rather dramatic ride, sometimes even screenplay worthy. The sequence of events in the last week alone have been so devastatingly ironic that I've been, in turns, tempted to take a baseball bat to everything around me or run to sleep in my parents' room.

And, yet, here I am. Trying to care. That's what I think the most horrific symptom of depression is: losing interest in everything that once gave life zest and flavor. My sister made me inquire about a job at a decadent bakery this week - I actually ended up talking to the Chef about a part time job. But most of me was dying inside from Not Caring and Wanting to Curl Up and Cry. Maybe, just maybe if Martha turned up at the door with a meringue and a blow torch I would get out of bed and change out of my pajamas. Still.

But this is pathetic. I am willing myself to post, as an exercise in creativity and accountability, about the things I am trying to care about. Because, as painful as my situation may seem when read in one light, interpreted another way it is also a very unique time I can choose to take for myself. In the end, I'm the one that I want, as Margaret Cho says. And, as Augustine prayed, "Domine Iesu, noverim me, noverim te."

Tonight I go with my mum & sister to hear Chinese drumming. I love Japanese Taiko drumming, so this should be interesting. And I might drop by the bakery again, to bug the Chef into letting me apprentice.


Anonymous said...

Hello JanJan,

How were the Chinese drummers? I've only heard Taiko drumming once in my life, way back in the day, when I was a mere college student. That seems so long ago ;-) If you decide to take a part time job at the bakery, can I put in an advance order for a dark chocolate ganache cake?


Marian said...

Good luck with the apprenticeship - I've been looking through your Flickr collection and all I can say is, if you get it, you must take *many* pictures which we can all look at longingly :).

I hope you had a good evening out and the drummers were in good form! The picture I find curious - that can't be steam coming from the drums but it looks an awful lot like it. Is there some incredibly obvious answer which I'm missing? (I know pretty much nothing about drumming of any kind).

Anonymous said...

Hi JanNan, Good to hear from you and what you're doing. I've never heard of the Chinese drummers, but they look and sound very interesting. Maybe some day that will be a new experience for Dave and me, thanks to you. Hope you were able to enjoy them today as much as you have in the past.
This blog idea is a good one and I encourage you to keep it up. It's good to hear what you are doing and how you are growing through all of this. You WILL grow, though there are many growing pains to withstand initially. Sometimes growing up is scary. Be brave, cherish the moment, and feel the love, support and encouragemenet that your friends and family surround you with. You are very dear to all of us. Keep smiling with your beautiful smile. Love, D&M

syl said...

Marianevans, I'm dying to know what happened. But whatever it was, I'm sorry. I'm a fan of your blog. Please keep us updated!

syl said...

I'm dying to know what happened. But whatever it was, or nothing, I'm sorry. I'm a fan of your blog. Keep posting!

Lucian said...

Marianevans, Taiko drums make baby Jesus cry.

marianevans said...

Chinese drummers were okay - I prefer the more zen approach of Taiko (even if it makes baby Jesus cry). I don't know why the Chinese feel the need to add a million colors and sequins to everything. And I think there's some dry ice involved in that one scene. Don't know how.

syl - who are you? I'm just curious :)

victoria winters said...


I'm so glad I checked in today (I do occasionally) and saw you posted. I want to reiterate my previous email and extend you my love, prayers, and friendship. I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm glad you're trying to push through the cloud of depression and move on. You need to. Please drop me a line - I'd love to catch up and be a friend to you.